dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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