The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
