the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
