I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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