Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
