you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
