she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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