sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
