I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
