My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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