Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
