What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
