I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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