Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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