there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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