Your mouth is God's brothel.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
