Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
