who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you inspire me to be a worse person
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
