That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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