I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
