wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
