Dual....:-)
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
