We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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