Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
