you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
And then he peed in my hair
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