you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
