either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
