She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
