Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
