I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
