make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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