i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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