she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
