I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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