Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
