Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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