you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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