If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
