ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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