they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
