After last night, I could never be a politician.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
