Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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