dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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