I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
