Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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