I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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