y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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