as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
