hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
