OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
