if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what day is it and did you see me today?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
