I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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