Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
