I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
