so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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