I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
