I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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