I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
